- So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.
- Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the finish line.
- Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes.
- Now is not the time to surround yourself with positive people.
- There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.
- The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
- Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It's a long story ...
- I'll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
- I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newpapers. Times are rough.
Hope we don’t get to this stage!
So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"
Everything for summer has been canceled ... Let's just put up our Christmas Tree and call it a year...!!!
Here is what church could look like when the lockdown is lifted
We are not making light of the current situation or the seriousness of this virus. We as a church (Bethany Baptist) have had people we love affected by this pandemic and also have incredible people in our congregation who have been on the front line. This video is simply meant to bring a smile to your face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIfItkvCVfA&fbclid=IwAR0A6AMgi8KZW7oj9v7_xIkHRtcYRMx-eXuz29iseQwZySMu3f5az2UhvdQ
Longest Time - Quarantine Edition, by Phoenix Chamber Choir (Vancouver, BC)
Original Music: Billy Joel
Please enjoy our COVID-19 public service announcement and virtual expression of love and solidarity from your ever-enthusiastic Phoenix Family and choral comrades.
Not only are the vocals perfect, but those lyrics are GENIUS!!! Note the woman doing percussion with the lids of her bleach wipes.
Some Great Confusions still Unresolved to Date
While self-isolating, with time on your hands, here are some great confusions to ponder:
- If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
- Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
- Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
- How come Noses run and Feet smell?
Why It's Called a Pandemic
"I Ain't Been Nowhere" The Official Song of Quarantine
Chuck Mead & His Grassy Knoll Boys take us through the isolated woes of the 2020 Quarantine to the tune of Hank Snow's 1962 classic, "I've Been Everywhere". Trust us, you will relate to this new zeitgeist masterpiece but in a way that will make you smile! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIQvaBOuvAs
Can't Wait For This Lockdown to End And Them Bloody Kids Go Back To School.
And if you rearrange the letters in CORONA, it spells RACOON!
All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!
If you thought toilet paper buying was crazy, just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment at the same time.
Quarantine Day 37. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice.
So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood!
My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” There are no winners.
If your parents are over 60 and want to go out… FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it,” tell them, “You’re not everyone. ” IT’S PAYBACK TIME!
Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring!
Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?
Smart Mother Cat
What the animals are doing today
THE VIRUS IS RAGING, MY LIFE IS A MESS.
I LIVE IN PYJAMAS AND DON’T HAVE TO DRESS.
I’M IN ISOLATION, JUST STAYING AT HOME
AND WOULD GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR TO BE FREE TO ROAM.
I’M SERIOUSLY AT RISK (OR THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY),
TELLING ME TO STAY IN AND NOT GO OUT EACH DAY.
IN MY HEAD I’M SO YOUNG THOUGH MY LICENCE REVEALS
I’M A 70-PLUS SENIOR. (BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT FEELS !)
WHEN I RUN OUT OF FOOD AND DELIVERIES ARE LATE,
I HAVE TO BUY GROCERIES BETWEEN 7 AND 8.
SO EARLY IN THE MORNING I HEAD OUT TO RESTOCK
AND DISCOVER A LINE UP THAT WINDS AROUND THE BLOCK.
SOCIAL DISTANCING SENIORS ALL 6 FEET APART
MAKE ME WONDER JUST WHEN I BECAME 'AN OLD FART'.
MY MEALS ARE REPETITIVE (A LOT LIKE MY GAS !)
AND I’M TIRED OF DISCUSSING WHY TRUMP IS SUCH AN ASS.
MY LATEST NEW OUTFIT IS GLOVES AND A MASK
AND I’M STARTING TO WONDER IF I’M UP TO THIS UNFAMILIAR TASK?
I WASH ALL MY GROCERIES, ALL FRUIT, MEAT, AND VEG.
WILL THIS ADDITIONAL PRECAUTION TIP ME OVER THE EDGE?
MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN HAIR HAS WIDE ROOTS OF GREY!
NO HAIRDRESSERS AROUND TO HELP WASH THEM AWAY.
I’VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF. NOW I’M ANSWERING BACK.
IS IT MONDAY OR FRIDAY? I’VE REALLY LOST TRACK.
I’VE STOPPED DOING HOUSEWORK, IT’S WEEKS SINCE I’VE DUSTED
AND I KNOW WITHOUT VISITORS, I’LL NEVER GET BUSTED.
I FACETIME MY FRIENDS OR WE GROUP CHAT ON ZOOM
AND TRY TO PRETEND WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE IT IS GOOD TO REFLECT
ON WHAT THIS ALL MEANS AND WHAT WE CAN EXPECT.
IT’S A TIME TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT WE’VE GOT.
LIKE A WARM HOUSE AND FOOD THAT OTHERS HAVE NOT.
THE BOTTOM LINE HERE, BY THE TIME THIS ALL ENDS
IS THAT WE’LL ALL GET THROUGH IT WITH OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
SO EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER IS A BIT OF A GRUMP,
YOU CAN REALLY BE GRATEFUL YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO TRUMP!
Quarantine has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told no if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.
If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill. #HomeSchool
CRITICAL ADVISORY 8pm is now the official time to remove your day pajamas and to put your night pajamas
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. THEY LIED, EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
My hubby purchased a world map.... gave me a dart and said "Throw this and wherever it lands I'm taking you for a holiday when this pandemic is over." Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
People keep asking me, "Is COVID-19 REALLY that serious?" Listen y'all, the casinos and churches are closed. When Heaven and Hell AGREE on the same thing, it's probably pretty serious.